Folowing The Leader - With A Vengeance

      This week has been an especially difficult week. The attacks are certainly growing stronger in the realm of Spiritual Warfare. I have been grappling with feelings that I have no idea how to describe. I just know that I've felt absolutely horrible. By all rights, I should have been fine. I was not in trouble with school or work, I had a loving girlfriend to talk to, I had all kinds of movies to watch and books to read, and best of all I had the Lord of all creation to sustain me. My car was just taken in for repairs, but even so, why should I be upset?! I am blessed in so many ways! These awkward feelings were constantly on my mind, like a gnawing parasitic creature. I could not get rid of them. I did not know how to get rid of them! So, I began to pray.
      I called to the Lord, asking for His Wisdom and His Peace. I had neither at the time. My mind was in a thousand different directions. I thought about the passage in James, chapter 1 and how it talks about finding joy in trials like these. Oh, how I wanted to. I really wanted to. I prayed every day about it, but my prayers felt so stifled, like I was doing nothing but whining to God. This was a very difficult time; I could feel attack from all sides, and I still had no way to explain it. I didn't know what was happening to me.
      Thankfully, the passage in James is completely true, as is all of Scripture. God did give me some answers during these past few days, but nothing like what I experienced tonight. Actually, nothing like what I experienced this morning. This will take some time, but it will be worth it. Follow along and you'll see what I mean.

      Yesterday, I found out about one of my friends making preparations for something I thought would be harmful. I was both shocked and puzzled. Why would they make such a decision? Why would they choose to do something like that? I had the opportunity to join in, though I quickly decided I wanted no part in it. It bothered me, it really did. I thought my friend was acting quite foolishly. I shouldn't have left it at that, but I put it aside, along with all the other things on my mind. It was a stupid thing to do. I didn't give it a second thought until I remembered my girlfriend would also be taking part in these plans. Now it bothered me even more. I took a look at the implications of this decision and recognized that it had the potential to turn out badly. I stopped what I was doing and prayed right then and there. I prayed again and again. "Am I seeing things clearly, Lord? Is it just me?" I felt God gently leading me to act, to speak up about what was going to happen. I had to warn this friend of mine. As soon as I had the chance, I did. I wrote a fairly lengthy email, not to condemn, but to ask my friend to reconsider. I realized fully well that I was throwing a monkey wrench into my friend's plans. I did my best to express my thoughts and opinions in Christ's love.
      Later on, I called my girlfriend, Kate, about the very same thing. I reminded her of the gravity of this decision. I warned her about the consequences. Eventually, I told her I recognized she was free to make her own decision. I am not in control of her. I had to give her that freedom of choice, but I would be very upset if she chose to go along. My heart sank as she chose the option I did not want her to. I was so distraught at the time that I just now realized I didn't tell her I loved her when I hung up the phone. I did manage to tell her that I would be praying for her and my friend.

      I prayed fervently after I hung up on her. I prayed for God to wrestle with both Kate and my friend as He wrestled with Jacob at Peniel. I asked Him to watch over them. I asked Him to speak to their hearts about what they were about to do. I continued praying for what seemed like an hour. I asked God to wrestle with me as well. I did not know what else to do. I did only what the Lord instructed me to. "Was that enough? Why wasn't it enough? Why was any of this happening?!"
      After praying, I tried to get to sleep but found no rest at all. I tossed and turned, unable to shake the issue from my head. I lay awake in bed, still wondering, "Why was this happening?" Then something changed.
      I began to feel a small push inside me. I began to feel an urge calling me to get up and go take a walk. "At this hour?! No way." I thought about it for a while. Walks have become very important to me. I normally take walks in stressful situations like these. I find them very enjoyable and relaxing, and downright therapeutic. If I am having an argument with anyone, there is something about taking a walk that always helps. Walks also offer me a unique chance to work things out with God, just the two of us. "But at this hour?! This is insane! I'm not even dressed!" I kept playing all these scenarios in my head of walking down the street and being gored by a stray deer who was in the mood to test his antlers. I knew it was an impossible scene; call it a nightmare, if you will. Suddenly, I remembered what I had asked God in my prayers. "Wrestle with me." I realized there had to be more to this urge to walk than I was giving credit. "But it's so late. It isn't safe to go out at this hour. This is not smart." God wanted to talk to me about something. 1 Corinthians 1:25 states, "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." By anyone else's standards this would be a foolish venture. This was God calling me. I read in my devotions a few weeks prior about how we are to expect God to act in our situations. We are certainly to expect Him to act, but not to expect Him in a particular way. I sat up, got dressed, and headed out for a walk. I had no idea where I was heading, but I knew that God would be there waiting for me. I stepped out into the unknown to go meet Him.

      I walked down to the park at the end of my street. I was amazed to find virtually no cars on the road or noises from anywhere! I had always heard about "meeting the Lord after midnight" and wondered why it was so important. I was finally getting my answer. It was literally just He and I; we were the only ones awake. I kept walking on the street, along the edge of the park, until I came to a trail. There was just enough light for me to see a good distance down the trail, but after that I was on my own. I had no flashlight. It was dark, and I was a little leery of what I might find back in the woods at this hour. Remember that nightmare about the deer? I had already seen some animal scurry across the path that I knew was too big to be a stray cat. I heard the call of something else that did not sound human. All these frightening images came to my mind. I also recognized that I did not come out here to stand on the street for a couple hours. "I came to wrestle with God. What if I completely miss the point of that because I didn't follow Him? Show some backbone."
I fought back my fear, crushed it, swallowed it, and then headed down the trail.
I followed the trail into an open area, and found myself surrounded by nothing but trees and the sky. There was just enough light to make out the fact that I was the only one in this small field. That is, just me and the Lord. I was not feeling much better from the previous events of the night. I was at my wit's end. So I told God about it. I also told Him about the rest of the emotions I felt. I started to pace about the field as I poured out the depth of my feelings. I told Him about how I was still feeling horrible, like earlier in the week. I told Him how my friend's decision had made me very upset. I told Him how Kate' s decision had made me very upset. I hated this feeling of division I felt with my girlfriend. It was tearing my heart apart. I did not understand why this decision even came to be! I shouted my frustration over it. "What is the purpose in all of this?! Why did it have to be that decision?!" I did not get it.
      Exasperated, I confessed that I did not know what to do about it anymore. I had played my hand in the situation. I did what I was told to do. I couldn't understand why, but it felt so inadequate. Now, I was without direction. I came out to the field to re-center my thoughts on the Lord, not on me. It was very difficult. I felt so lost in the sea of emotions I was in. I hated the fact that my girlfriend and I were divided. I hate being divided from her. I knew in the back of my mind that Satan was going to manipulate this situation to harm me further, so I prayed for that as well. I continued pouring out my heart to God for over half an hour. Finally, I asked God to be judge over the matter, not me. I asked Him to hold reign over my tongue and my mind. Slowly, I submitted my will to His. I did all of this as I kept pacing back and forth in the field. Eventually, I started to repeat myself to God, and realized I was getting nowhere. Much like I was walking circles in the field, I was replaying the scenes in my head of what took place that night, and was going nowhere fast. I grew tired and thought about heading home.
      I began to realize that up to this point I had done most of the talking in my conversation with God. I had not given Him a chance to speak. I wanted to hear what He had to say. I so desperately wanted to hear His voice. I took a deep breath and quieted my thoughts, then asked Him to speak to me. I wanted His direction for me in this mess of a situation. I prayed for His direction earlier that night, but now, I felt no direction at all. I felt so awkward and afraid, but still, I quieted my thoughts and listened for God. I heard the words "Trust in me. You need to trust in me." At first I thought it was me thinking those words. "Of course God would want me to trust in Him. Shut up, stop thinking, and listen for God to speak!" I tried even harder to quiet my thoughts. At one point, I quieted my thoughts so much that I lost track of my surroundings! I darted my eyes everywhere around me, looking for some attacker that could have been sneaking up on me the whole time. I just as soon realized the foolishness of this worry, and took a new stance in the fact that God was protecting me. Again, I tried to quiet my mind. I felt my thoughts drift, and then finally stop in a manner I can only describe as "turning off the radio." This was no trance I was in; I knew full well where I was. The only difference is that now I was not thinking about it. I stood there, just listening. I wanted to hear God's voice desperately, but I refused the urge to expect Him in a particular way. I prayed softly, barely a whisper on my lips, "Lord, speak to me." Then, deep inside my mind, I did hear a voice. It was a voice that was not my own, and it was not my thoughts either. It was God's voice I was hearing.

He asked me, "Do you trust me?"

I answered, "Yes."

"Then go forward,"

I opened my eyes and saw a path before me in the darkness. It was not the path I had taken earlier took earlier to get into the field. This was new. I looked back to see if anyone was behind me, but I was also honestly considering whether or not I should just head back home to bed. I wondered if I was really hearing God's instructions to walk on this path. Then, just as quickly, I snapped out of it. For the second time, I realized the incredible foolishness of my worries. I turned around, tossed my fears aside, and started walking on this new path God was telling me to walk.
Now let me clarify for a moment here. When I say that this path was dark, that would be an understatement. When I say dark, I am talking about PITCH BLACK. I could hardly see anything at all. I could barely make out the trail, except for what was right in front of me. I was ducking under tree branches and feeling all kinds of things under my feet. God only knows what else was scurrying about. I thought I knew these woods well, but not like this. I had no idea where I was headed. It took everything I had to resist the urge to be afraid. I trusted that God was leading me to go further into the woods, without a flashlight, for a reason. So I kept walking. Soon I came to a fork in the path. I stopped, and I waited. I heard the words, "Walk left," so I walked down to the left. Soon I came to another fork. I heard "Walk right," and I walked to the right. It kept on this way for a while.

                "Walk left. Continue on. Walk right."

I ducked under a few more trees and walked through dozens of spider webs. I could hear all sorts of different things moving around me. I should have been terrified, but still, I kept going. I did not look back at all. I kept my eyes ahead to see where God was taking me.
      I began to anticipate where He might be leading me, and at one point I thought I knew. I began to think of what He might say to me once I got there. "Good job. Now do you see why..." I quickly shut down that line of thought and kept walking.

      Soon, I saw lights from the street poking through through the tree line. The path I was on brought me closer and closer until I could almost see a way to get back to the street. I thought that it was time to get off the path and go home, but then God told me to "Turn around." I did, and saw another path heading further back into the woods. "Take that one." I have to be honest in saying I felt a small twinge of fear at this point. I wondered if I was really following God's lead. "I've been out in the dark for a long time now. What is God trying to show me?" I ignored those worries and kept going. The lights I had just come to were now fading behind me and soon I was back in total darkness.

            "Turn right. Turn left. Go straight through."

The path I was on led me down a hillside. I again began to wonder what I was going to learn at the end of this endeavor. "Turn right." Soon, I felt the terrain change to uphill. I smiled as I began to see lights again. "Continue on." I kept walking uphill, and finally, I walked out of the woods onto the street. The light from the street lamps flooded my eyes, and I saw exactly where God had taken me. He took me exactly where I needed to go: the top of my street. He took me home. God led me on a path that I never ever would have found on my own. I could not have done that that on my own without a flashlight. Even with a light, I doubt I would have been able to do it.
      I stood there just reveling in the awesome journey He led me on. Then, I heard the words, "I led you on this path, and you followed Me. I brought you to this place, and I brought you there. Now stand in it." I could hardly believe what just took place. I was in awe. I thanked Him for speaking to me in this unique way. I praised Him for His Wisdom and for His Grace. Then in the wee hours of the morning, I walked home and went to bed, but only after a quick shower of course.

      I think about how intense an experience I had this night. (Sorry, this morning.) Just as God led me down that path in the woods with no direction of my own, He had led me to act in the situation with my friend. My confidence wavered in light of the emotional turmoil I went through. I fought to keep my faith in the Lord, to have faith that what I was doing was for His glory. It was a desperate fight indeed. God gave me such a tremendous source of confidence to be able to follow Him into those woods. Now, He gave me a renewed source of confidence in the stance I had taken earlier with my friend. He even gave me peace over my relationship with Kate. He called me to act, and act I did. I am not to feel awkward about it in any way. He answered so many important questions for me. In order to get those answers, I had to follow Him through what anyone else would call "insanity." I had called it that myself. I laughed in the face of it, and I made it through. How much more will God deliver me through this trial? I know He will deliver me. I know He will work it all out in the end. I can't wait to find out how. Until then, I need to stand in the place He led me to. I am standing. May the Lord's will be done.


Thank You, Lord. Thank You for speaking to me this way.
Thank You for teaching me to follow You without fear.
Thank You for giving me understanding.
Thank You for raising me to a place of dignity.
Thank You for keeping Your hands on all of this.

Thank you.